Its better to have loved and lost than not loved at all?

I dont know what exactly is wrong with me but I cant be happy until someone makes me happy. There is an overwhelming feeling of emptiness within me who keeps on telling me I am not worthy of anything. I dont know how natural is that or is it my depression or my deep rooted childhood issues . I have held on to love even when it was tiring, even when it made me feel all the more empty . I have held on to love even when it had nothing to offer me . Am I this desperate ? No .Or am I scared to be alone?Maybe yes. I cant be on my own though I know I am the best when I am alone .I know I deserve a lot of self-love but I am really not capable of it.Praying is often my coping mechanism . But how long do I have to put myself down just because I feel I dont deserve anything good?

Is it really healthy to love and lose all the best pieces of yourself ?

Or is it okay to be stone cold selfish and give all the love to only yourself?

Carolines parents and family to be divorced do it before they reach u

Single Minded and Stubborn

Is it even a phrase ? Who knows

I am going through this phase of life and my best friends are leaving for diamond husbands , the worst part is I dont even feel like crying …..

Probably Blairs last letter to Serena

Antagonism of a Pandemic

Before I start blabbering , I hope you are doing well . I wont ask you if you are in the pink of health or not because no one can really say they are living their best lives . The situation of the world is dreadful and in this situation its very easy to give in and sink in to the blackhole of despair .But , hold on we are the product of 3000 years of evolution, there has to be a better way to look at life . Lets just think about the positives of this pandemic.

I know its very difficult to look through the darkness all around but lets have some faith . Pandemic has bought us ample amount of time. I never thought I would get this free time to work on my mental health issues. Life was just too fast and I had extreme difficulties in coping up . But due to this extended holidays I have got the time I need for introspection. I found a way to let go of everything that used to hurt me and embrace uncertainty. Oblivion and uncertainty used to scare me but these days I have learnt to put my faith in them . Spending so much time with family brought us closer. The thing I always liked about trying times is that they push everyone to reveal their true nature and priorities . People who actually care for us cling to us and those who dont choose to leave . Ever had really bad days when you have got nothing to hold on? You will realize who are your true friends and its really hurtful and same time liberating to know the true nature of your circle. Smart people can never really be happy but I will still choose smart . Seeing through people and understanding them is so scary .But at the same time with each person leaving you or hurting you , you realize the importance of self love. I would say its not selfish to put yourself first ever because no one can love ourselves like we can . No one can heal ourselves like we can . No one can improve ourselves like we can . HAVE THE COURAGE TO RUN AWAY FROM EVERYTHING THAT MAKE YOU FEEL MISERABLE EVERY TIME ! Take time to heal , take time to embrace the rain , it will pass and you have to be there for the rainbow which is inevitable right after the thunderstorm…..

Hey, I am Diane Nguyen…

Hey , I am Diane , I moved to LA from Boston with the dream of becoming a famous published writer. Little did I know how much of a mess I am . For those who know me ,I know you guys hate me . I dont blame you at all . You have your own reasons like when Mr. PB surprised me with my dream ‘Belle room’ library, I suprised him with a divorce.May be its true I didnt deserve my sweet and loving husband , also maybe I should’nt have opted for abortion but trust me I wanted more out of life than being a mother. I often criticized the actions of Bojack, but he didnt always deserve it. I know why I didnt like Bojack now . Its not because I hated him , its because deep down I knew that I am as broken and as dysfunctional as him . I was born in a family as someone unwanted or maybe an extra. I never got any appreciation for anything I did. I have a tendency to run away from everything that makes me miserable , I justify my actions by saying that its a coping mechanism but deep down I know I fucked up. I want to be responsible and happy but somehow the reality keeps on showering thunder storms upon me . I pull myself out from a rock bottom only to realise there is yet another rock bottom awaiting me .It’s not about being happy, that is the thing. I’m just trying to get through each day. I can’t keep asking myself ‘Am I happy? ‘ It just made me more miserable. I don’t know If I believe in it, real lasting happiness, All those perky, well-adjusted people you see in movies and TV shows ? I don’t think they exist.Look, the wedding was great. But that’s not real life. I mean, I guess I got a happy ending, but every happy ending has the day after the happy ending, right?All our life we wait and pine for that one thing,a person, a job, a destination which we like to call “our happy ever after” but that’s not the end of life. It’s actually a new beginning in itself.Sometimes I think I’m a pit. I’m a pit that good things fall into. I know I ruin things but I guess thats me . I know I am miserable to not love PB . But I couldnt help, I really thought he is my happily ever after . Back then I didnt know soulmates are not meant to be perfect , soulmates are meant to be broken and dysfunctional in the same way . I never abandoned Bojack when he needed me . I had been a true friend and sent him to rehab when things got out of control. I guess I am a little narcissist but thats alright I guess.I know I am not perfect but who is ? I am happy that I met Guy and I look forward to spend my life with him in Texas ….Adios…see you !

Open letter to myself on Valentine’s Day

Broken heart icon,vector illustration. EPS 10.

Here’s writing to the girl who believes love can save us from everything. She was a typical girl who have been often bullied in childhood , she was the one who always endured everything and kept most of her tears to herself because she never really wanted to bother anyone . She is always so engrossed in looking into the bright side of things that she never saw the toxicity of her ‘friends’ or ‘lovers’. Having grown up to working parents she used to cling to anyone and everyone who came along her way. She remembers being bullied by so many people , even her so called best friend .She always had difficulties in opening up to people and making friends although she dreaded being alone. She often ended up choosing the wrong people despite knowing how harmful they would be for her mental health in the upcoming years. She was not dumb to not see through the toxicity of people but she used to be with them out of unknown obligation.

Till one fine day ,she gave it all up. No hang up there, she didnt kill herself (though she wanted to), instead she let it all go and promised herself to never indulge in anything that makes her feel miserable.She realised she was still young and not taking and prompt action and sulking over the regrets of the past will jeopardize a perhaps beautiful future life could behold. She realized no one is ever really going to be responsible for her happiness. SHE IS ALL SHE HAS OR EVER WILL HAVE .Its okay to fall 7 times as long as you are not staying there.

Its not only her , everyone feel worthless every once in a while because afterall if everyone thought that they were enough ,no one would put effort in being better , no one would push themselves and try harder. People will stop having goals, fucking evolution will stop .

The goal is to just keep going most of the things we truly want are beyond our reach because they’re always the best out there. Everyone wants the best out of life. So we need to reach out to have them. ….it might or might not get better but as least you are not a coward to not hope for better days.

In the end its not always about having a valentine every year or romantic dates all the time ,its about having a purpose and have something to be proud of 🙂

Journaling Day 3

My internals are starting tomorrow and also I have a heap load of assignments pending. In short, my life is a mess right now but my mind is not, thanks to writing .Writing is no longer just venting out my anguish and sadness to somewhere , it has now become my hobby and my dopamine.My days are going well otherwise. I am trying and learning to grow and glow with each passing hour. I have stopped being sorry for myself and rather accepting myself.Accepting and embracing my flaws is never easy but always worth it .Just like being sorry for yourself wont make you better ,regrets wont make your future beautiful.Happiness is a choice and it is your responsibility to choose it over everyone else. Have a purpose and believe in letting go and that is how anyone would survive this whirlpool of misery and hatred. The most important thing everyone fails to understand is no one has it all, no one , the girl who wears black lipstick isn’t living her best life,the guy who just won a hackathon does not have it all.

A little self-care and self belief goes a long way.It can pull you out from the black hole of self loathing and give you hope ,that no matter what you are and where you are ,you can be better .There is no wrong time to do the right thing and it is never too late to start again .Live your life ,follow your dreams , failures are just temporary setbacks everyone goes through.

(some of my favourite quotes I live by)

NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU FALL ,GET UP .

YOU SHOULD NEVER BE HOPELESS BECAUSE YOU CAN NEVER BE IRREPARABLY BROKEN!

SO , GET UP ,YOU LIONS AND SHAKE OFF THE DELUSION ,THAT YOU ARE SHEEP!

Home

You will reach  your home some  day where you will find your heart and realise why you should call it home

Journaling (Day 2)

Here I am again to rip out my heart.I have decided to come to this place to express my raw emotions mainly because no one actually knows me here and that is deeply comforting . Since today morning I am feeling good ,I have let go of all my negativities (well not all yet ) but yes quite a few things .I am begining to make peace with all to make peace with all my imperfections, like being a lonely creature who has no real friends , whose parents does not believe in anything she does . I have decided to take responsibility of my own life .After all that is all about adulting ,taking liabilities of my own future and hence working for it is the best you can do and thinking and cursing yourself for things you cant change does nothing but worsening everything…..so goodbye for now I will be back tomorrow when I feel lonely and miserable again. 🙂

JOURNALING (Day 1)

I am telling you buddy it is going to be a long ass post so if you have important assignments or future changing projects to work upon you should just ignore and get back to work. Being an introvert I have always bottled up my feelings inside me,till there are days that small actions of some people just tears me apart.Growing up in a typical middle class family my hobbies were crushed long back to some extent that I chose not to be passionate about anything , a part of that includes my work too. I believe the correct definition of passion is finding peace in what you do without giving a damn about anything else in the world. The thing about me is that I dont get that feeling ever. Moving on , lately I have been quite sad (would not say depressed) for no apparent reason.It made the thing all the more difficult coz i could not figure out what the eff is going on.I tried all the stuff like having a free day, putting a mask on ,painting my nails,going out to eat at fancy cafes ,spending time with my friends, watching movies but nothing really worked out.
Its completely exhausting having the same fights with yourself day after day but it is OKAY. Now for the potentially controversial part. It is okay to not want to get out of bed, it is okay to cancel plans, it is okay to tell people that you are not okay, what’s not okay is accepting that this is you for the rest of your life.But then life doesnt really stop for you to recover from your so called mental illness.I thought of visiting a therapist but then I ,being a college student cannot really afford one.My despair started growing like cancer and natural poor grades due to all this added more to the chaos.

There was a time when I had stumbled upon the folowing list and realised I had all of these issues going on in my brain

• Feeling sad or down(all the fucking time)
• Confused thinking or reduced ability to concentrate
• Excessive fears or worries, or extreme feelings of guilt
• Extreme mood changes of highs and lows
• Withdrawal from friends and activities
• Significant tiredness, low energy or problems sleeping (I basically want to sleep all day)
• Inability to cope with daily problems or stress
• Trouble understanding and relating to situations and to people
• Alcohol or drug abuse
• Major changes in eating habits
• Sex drive changes
• Excessive anger, hostility or violence
• Suicidal thinking

THE WORST PART BEING I DONT HAVE ANY REASON TO BE SAD.

I HAVE A NICE AND SUPPORTIVE BOYFRIEND.

I GET ENOUGH MONEY TO MEET MY NEEDS.

I HAVE NICE FRIENDS TOO.’

I tried praying but even god has turned his face away from me.

Till one fine day I woke up after a nice sleep ,had a giant cup of coffee,sat in the balcony ..and suddenly felt a beacon of hope arising in me and making me realise that by being sad I am missing out what could be the best years of my life.

I finally realised that person who goes through life looking for fairness in all their experiences will end up resentful and unhappy. Sometimes things will go our way, and sometimes they will not, regardless of how fair it may seem. Life is not fair always , accept it and move on .

Hating yourself for your past mistakes wont fix them ,try to be better.Everyone makes mistakes and you can still do so much more than regretting.

Grow a thick skin , people are mean and there is nothing you can do about it . The best you can do is be kind to yourself and work hard not for the uncertain future but for the beautiful today .

Lastly for today :Nightmares are not true ,they are just crippling fear deep down your subconsious mind and no one is actually solely present to make fun of you they have their own life and you do not have to care even if they do .

JUST LIVE YOUR BEST TODAY ,GIRL. ❤

LOADS OF LOVE ,

DORA :*